The Secret Language of the Workplace

Employer Lingo --

Competive Salary

We remain competive by paying less than our competitors

Join our fast-paced team

We have no time to train you

Casual work atmosphere

We don't pay enough to expect you to dress well

Must be deadline oriented

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day

Some overtime required

Some time each night and some time each weekend

Duties will vary

Anyone in the shop can boss you around

Problem-solving skills a must

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos

Requires leadership skills

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect

Employee Lingo --

I'm extremely adept at all manner of organization

I can make my own coffee

I'm honest, hard-working and dependable

I only pilfer offfice supplies

My work experience includes ...

I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had

I'm personable

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers

I am adaptable

I've changed jobs a lot

I am on-the-go

I am never at my work station

I'm highly motivated to succeed

The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here

The Simplified Bicycle Racer Category Chart

Category 1

Walks on water, trains on ice, rides in anything. Sprints two kilometers. Will attack on a 30% grade, going up or down. Can change flats while riding. Resting heart rate is between 30 and 35, max heart rate is 200 to 230. Measures distance training in terms of Tour de France stages.

Category 2

Rides across water, trains in snow. Sprints one kilometer. Will attack on a 10% grade, going up or down. Can change flats while still in the pedals. Resting heart rate is between 40 and 45, max heart rate is 185 to 200. Measures distance training in terms of centuries per day.

Category 3

Rides through water. Sprints 500 to 600 meters. Will attack on a 5% grade going down. Can change flats in under 3 minutes, but must get off the bike first. Resting heart rate is between 50 and 55, max heart rate is 185 to 200. Measures distance training in terms of centuries per week.

Category 4

Rides around water. Sprints 200 to 300 meters. Will attack on the flats. Can change a flat in under 5 minutes. Resting heart rate is between 50 and 60, max heart rate is 160 to 180. Measures distance training in terms of 10's per day.

Category 5

Rides in light rain. Sprints 50 to 100 meters. Will attack on the flat if someone in front falls down. Can change flats in best two out of three tries. Resting heart rate is between 60 and 70, max heart rate is 160 to 170. Measures distance training in terms of miles per day.

Citizen

Rides alternate July17th's, if it isn't too hot and there are no pro sports on the tube. Sprints two meters with 20 minute rest stops. Will attack a pizza with both hands. Has noticed that the rear tire has been flat for two years. Resting heart rate is 90, max heart rate is 93. Measures distance training in terms of how far it is to the nearest Baskin-Robbins.

We have to admit that we are fans of The Simpsons. Mr. Burns is Alan's role model and Mike has much in common with Homer. And don't you think that Joe bears a striking resemblance to Bart Simpson?

It has been reported that Bill Gates compared the computer industry with the auto industry stating; "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response, GM issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:"

• For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
• Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
• Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would reinstall the engine.
• Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
• The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
• New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
• The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
• Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the antenna.
• GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
• Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
• You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.